


smaller than this

by shuri_is_my_queen



Series: Alex and Carrie are besties and you can’t change my mind. [1]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex And Carrie Are Friends, Angst, Carrie is sad, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, carrie has a small panic attack, just a lil bit, rating for more mature/ heavy topics, sara kays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27109732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuri_is_my_queen/pseuds/shuri_is_my_queen
Summary: Carrie, who is standing as far away from Alex as possible, is dangerously pale and seems to be on the verge of a panic attack. “What are you doing here? How are you here? How long have you been watching me? Aren’t you in Julie’s hologram band? If you’re a hologram, how did you touch me? Holy shit.” Her questions fly out of her mouth and she sinks to the floor hyperventilating.
Relationships: Alex & Carrie Wilson
Series: Alex and Carrie are besties and you can’t change my mind. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987990
Comments: 9
Kudos: 138





	smaller than this

**Author's Note:**

> All song credits go to Sara Kays!  
> The song is Smaller Than This if you want to listen <3
> 
> TW/CW: panic attacks and mentions of an eating disorder

Alex often spends his free time at Carrie’s. No matter what Julie and Flynn say, he’s sure that there is more to Carrie than what meets the eye. He can tell that her arrogant attitude is just a front, and Alex is determined to see the real Carrie. 

The band is taking a week off to write more music and just take a break. The last month was full of performances and the entire band is exhausted. Reggie is hanging out with Ray, Julie and Luke are in their own world writing music, and Willie had wanted to see his family, so that leaves Alex with the perfect time to visit Carrie. 

He poofs to the dance studio at the Wilson’s where Carrie normally is and is surprised when she isn’t there. He checks the kitchen. No Carrie. The den. No Carrie. 

He suddenly becomes aware of soft sniffles coming from upstairs. Alex carefully walks up and sticks his head into Carrie’s room. He’s met with a sight that breaks his heart. 

Carrie is standing in front of a full length mirror while wearing shorts and a crop top. She’s crying which makes her mascara run down her face in streaks. 

Alex is confused and worried. What could make Carrie break like this? 

With a gut wrenching sob, Carrie storms to her closet and grabs a large sweatshirt. She throws it on and collapses onto her bed, still sobbing hard. 

Alex aches to comfort her, but there’s nothing he can do. 

After what feels like hours, Carrie’s sobs die down and she reaches into her bedside table. Pulling out a notebook, she opens it to a page that is full of what looks like song lyrics. There were lines scribbled out aggressively and spots where it looked like they had been cried on. Alex glances at the title at the top:  _ Smaller Than This _

This looks significantly different to the songs that Dirty Candy performs. 

Carrie messily writes down more lyrics and starts singing shakily. 

**“I wake up early, sometimes at 5:30 to run**

**My dad got too worried, I had to tell him it was fun**

**Oh, I feel like a failure if I don't skip breakfast and lunch**

**I'm chasing a body I know that I'll never outrun**

**Cause I'll always wish I was smaller than this**

**And I just can't quit pulling at my skin**

**Oh, I'm scared that I'm never gonna like**

**How I look and I wish I knew why**

**Cause I'll always wish I was smaller than this**

**I'll set a goal for myself and I'll try to work hard**

**I'll reach it but swear I look just like I did from the start**

**I know that it's not true but I feel like I'm the only one**

**Who's chasing a body I know that I'll never outrun**

**Cause I'll always wish I was smaller than this**

**And I just can't quit pulling at my skin**

**Oh, I'm scared that I'm never gonna like**

**How I look and I wish I knew why**

**That I'll always wish I was smaller than this**

**I was smaller, I was smaller, I was smaller**

**I wish I was**

**I was smaller, I was smaller, I was smaller**

**I wish I was**

**I'll always wish I was smaller than this**

**And I just can't quit pulling at my skin**

**Oh, I'm scared that I'm never gonna like**

**How I look and I wish I knew why**

**That I'll always wish I was smaller than this”**

By the end of the song, Alex is crying too. The urge to try to give her a hug is strong. He reaches his hand out to Carrie’s shoulder. What Alex doesn’t expect is for his hand to actually make contact. Carrie gasps and looks over to where Alex is sitting. She makes eye contact with him and screams, falling off her bed. 

Alex tries hard to not do the same. Eyes as wide as saucers, he scrambles off of her bed. “Please stop screaming! I- I- I can explain!”

Carrie, who is standing as far away from Alex as possible, is dangerously pale and seems to be on the verge of a panic attack. “What are you doing here? How are you here? How long have you been watching me? Aren’t you in Julie’s hologram band? If you’re a hologram, how did you touch me? Holy shit.” Her questions fly out of her mouth and she sinks to the floor hyperventilating. 

“Shit,” Alex whispers. He isn’t entirely sure how Carrie would react to him trying to comfort her, but he knows from experience that panic attacks are hell to get through alone. 

He slowly makes his way to where Carrie is curled up and sits down a few feet away from her. He speaks softly, “Carrie, I need you to breathe with me. Can you hear me?” At Carrie’s shaky nod, Alex smiles lightly and continues. “Okay. Follow my breathing. In 2… 3… 4… hold 2… 3… 4 out 2… 3… 4…” They continue this process until the girl can breathe easier. “That’s it, Carrie. Good job. Can I touch you?” Carrie tenses and Alex quickly adds, “That’s okay. You don’t have to say yes.”

Slowly, Carrie stutters out a question, “Can you… Can you explain what’s going on? How are you here?” 

Alex sighs. As much as he doesn’t want to, Carrie deserves to know the truth. He launches into the explanation of how Julie brought them back, leaving out the parts about Bobby, how he’s been watching and even participating in her dance rehearsals, and that he wanted to get to know her better. “I know what it’s like to put on a mask in front of other people. I wanted to get to know the real Carrie. I know that it’s an invasion of privacy and I shouldn’t be doing it, but I can’t help it. Even though you couldn’t see me, I liked hanging out with you. I felt that I could be entirely myself. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’ll stop.” He looks down and plays with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. 

Carrie reaches out and cautiously puts her hand on his knee. She speaks quietly, “You don’t have to stop. It’s okay. As much as seeing you scared me, it’s kinda nice to know that someone actually cares about the real me. I love the Dirty Candy girls, but sometimes it feels like they don’t care about me.” 

In a bold moment, Alex asks, “Can I hug you?” Carrie smiles softly and nods. She flings her arms around him and hugs him tightly. He feels her relax in his embrace. Alex lightly squeezes the small girl. Suddenly, he remembers the words he heard her sing not too long ago. 

“Carrie?” She hums, not looking up from where her head is nestled in Alex’s shoulder. “That song you wrote… is that how you really feel?” Carrie tenses minutely. She sighs, “Yeah. I’ve felt that way for a while. No one seems to notice though. I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t stop myself. I want to look a certain way so bad. Plus, since my dad pretty much took control of Dirty Candy and dictates every aspect of my life, it’s something I can control. Music is how I cope. It seems like writing lyrics is easier than actually talking about it. Somehow talking to you is easy, though. I’m not entirely sure why.”

Alex isn’t entirely sure what to say to that, but he holds Carrie tighter. “I’m glad you’re at least talking to someone about it. And you can talk to me whenever you need to. You’re beautiful as you are, Carrie. Everyone can see that. You don’t need to restrict what you eat for that to be true.”

Carrie sniffles and Alex is scared that he said the wrong thing. He relaxes when Carrie speaks a quiet, “Thank you, Alex. That’s nice to hear.”

Neither of them know how long they stay like that, but Alex is struck by the realization that Carrie reminds him of his younger sister. He silently promises that even though he can’t be there for his sister, he’ll be there for Carrie. No matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments give me life!
> 
> my tumblr is shuri-is-my-queen


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